Is polygamy really bad?

Last Tuesday, I received a text message from a close friend. It was short and rather vague. It read, “Yetunde, Please come over. It has happened”.  The first thing that hit my mind was that someone had died. Perhaps her husband since she had sent the text. Time was almost 6.00pm and I hardly ever leave home once it’s that late in the day. Bisola’s case was a peculiar one, she had been having serious issues with her marriage for a while which a couple of friends, me inclusive, have been helping out with. I could therefore not ignore such a text from her.
I called her number but it was her daughter who picked the phone and promptly informed me that her mother was expecting me to come over and could not even speak on the phone. I asked after her father and she said he was fine as she had spoken with him that very afternoon. My mind was now at peace. Since the problem did not involve death, it was not something that could not be remedied. I could hear Bisola’s voice weeping in the background.
Reluctantly, I wangled through the evening traffic to Bisola’s house. Her younger sister as well as her favourite neighbour were already there, trying to console her. Immediately I walked into her room, Bisola began a fresh round of loud wailing, telling me how her life has been ruined. How all her sweat and suffering in her 22 years of marriage had come to naught. How her husband has exposed her to the hands of her enemies. How she will become the butt of jokes and ridicule among family, friends and even the neighbours. What will she tell the church members? What has happened? I eventually shouted when I couldn’t stand the suspense any longer. Akin has married another woman, she announced. I breathed a loud sigh of relief. Is that all?
Is that why your life has been ruined, I asked?
“Ah! Yetunde, it’s not only that, she already has a child for him”!
“And so”, I asked?
“Why are you talking like this, Yetunde, don’t you know the implication of what Akin has done”?
“I don’t, please tell me”?
“Yetunde, you are supposed to be my friend, why are you supporting my husband”, she asked?
At this point, her favourite neighbour was already clapping her hands together in cynical disgust. “Men are demons. No one would have ever suspected daddy Oyin was capable of what he has done. Ah! men will never get to heaven. They are snakes. They are …..”.  She went on and Bisola began another round of wailing while her sister too began scolding her to get a grip of herself.
I sat on a corner of the bed and watched as the woman helped to fuel the situation with more invectives on men, indirectly insulting Akin, her so called friend’s husband. After a few minutes, I told her I was leaving if she would not stop her wailing and allow me talk. Her neighbour was forced to stop her ranting at that point while she mellowed down on the weeping. To throw her off balance, I asked why she felt so devastated about the news since we had always suspected that Akin had a mistress somewhere. Confirming it to be true ought not to cause so much grief and wailing as if she lost one of her parents or that Akin had slumped suddenly and died. How did she confirm it? Akin, on one of his brief visits home (he had started sleeping out in the last two years, providing a dozen and one excuses for his actions) had mistakenly left his briefcase open while he took a bath. As she cleared the tray after his meal, she’d spotted a couple of green booklets that looked like Nigerian international  passports, so she decided to check who they belonged to since her own and the passports of their three children were in her care. Lo! The three passports belonged to Akin, a certain woman and a little child of about two years, both, bearing Akin’s name.
Shocked, she had taken the three booklets to Akin who was still in the shower, demanding to know the meaning of what she was holding. The three passports had visas for the UK on them. Akin had earlier that afternoon informed her of a planned visit to the UK for a conference that, though he had not announced a date yet. She said rather than answer her question, Akin asked why she was snooping around on his things, adding that she had found what she was looking for. He then went on to ignore her and finished his bath. By this time, Busola had gone berserk, screaming all over the house, threatening hail and brimstone. After dressing up, Akin parked his things and told her he was not coming home for the night.
“So, now that you know he has another family, what do you plan to do about it”, I asked.
“Yetunde, Akin has betrayed me. He has put my life and that of my children on the line and I will show him. He has finally disgraced me and I will disgrace him too”.
“How many people have you sent text messages to”?
“Not many, just my parents in Akure, my sister in London and the three of you”, she quipped.
“You have also told Aunty Cynthia and Brother Abayo”, her sister interjected, obviously annoyed.
“Ok, and those ones too”.
“Bisola, listen to me”, I said. “In your own interest, I beg you not to discuss this with anybody again, especially your in-laws. Be wary of advice that will totally ruin your marriage. People will readily tell you that if they were in your shoes, this and this are what they will do. Please tell them to wait for their turns so that they can do those things. You are not the first woman that her husband will betray and you surely will not be the last. Besides, why are you so afraid of the other woman? Why do you think your own life is ruined and not hers? Has he brought her into your home to live”?
As I spoke, Bisola’s sister interjected, “aunty, please help me tell her oh”, while my friend’s favourite neighbour murmured, “mummy Oyin, please listen to your friend”.
As I made my way back home later that night, I could not help but wonder why we make so much fuss when a man decides to take another wife. Why does the woman at home always feel so threatened? Why is the other woman always regarded as the wicked one, the gold digger and home breaker? Is polygamy really a bad thing? Bisola might have come from a monogamous family, but Akin did not. Ditto, so many of us. Besides, polygamy, or rather, polygyny as practiced in many cultures, is not a strange thing in our culture and society and has been practiced for centuries. Many successful men and women are offshoot of polygamy and have wonderful stories to tell about growing up and how they lived in a loving, selfless communal life with their parents. The spread of religion, western life style and feminism helped to entrench monogamous marriages and exclusive relationships and slowly the practice of polygamy began to wear a new face. Today, even Muslim women demand for monogamous marriages despite the fact that their religion promotes the marriage of up to four wives by their men.
Indeed, the practice of polygamy has been stigmatised with a lot of stereotyping.  Thus, a horrible picture of oppression of women and children, unhealthy rivalry among the women and children, male dominance and chauvinism, economic and financial dependence on the man and even abuse of women and children have been highlighted as demerits of a polygamous marriage. However, can we truly say that these things are exclusive to polygamous marriages alone? Can all of these and perhaps more not be found in monogamous marriages too?
Nigeria is a society where everyone is always quick to throw the religious card up when we want to argue our points. But most of us are religious, not God fearing. Whether as Muslim or Christians, if we are God fearing and loving, for God is love, love is peace, our society will be a better place. We will not speak from both sides of our mouths, depending on the situation.
Bisola and Akin claimed to be Christians and even rose to become Deacon and Deaconess in the early days of their marriage. This was before they struck gold and Akin became a mega businessman. Businesses often took him away from home for several days and then, their problems started. Bisola, like most women, will readily throw it in his face that she helped make him as she married him when he had nothing, a nobody. And over the years, she’d gathered enough evidences to show that he was no longer faithful to their vows, but she remained in the marriage, sharing him with his many lovers. So, why all the commotion now that one of them has bore him a child?
Dear readers: Please, I will really appreciate your views on this couple’s problem. And while at it, let us try to answer the question above; is polygamy really bad? Remember, you may also reach me via email address: yetty5050@yahoo.co.uk. Do have a wonderful weekend!